The "Receipts"

Taos Green Chili

Paella Don Mendi

Phad Thai

Sicilian Eggplant Lasagne (low fat)

Chicken Burger with tangy garlic mayonnaise

Albondigas Aldonze

Moroccan garbanzo and vegetable salad

Spaghetti with Gorgonzola

Chef Aldonze Hangover Cures

Sukiyaki

Boeuf Bourguignon

Ratatouille à la Robaire

Chef Aldonze offers

Dear Mr. Haark,

You must forgive my words for while my English is excellent, I have not commanded it entirely! Allow me to produce myself. I am Aldonze, Chef Aldonze-Luiz (Loo-eeze), at your service! I do not want to toot my bugle but I am considered very famous in the international food circles. The mere mention of the name Aldonze-Luiz strikes awe and wonderment in the hearts of gourmands throughout the world. Until now, my receipts have been secret and admired by the very best chefs on this planet. At last, in my old years, I have decided to share these amazing secrets to an awaiting world.

Just a few of my signature receipts are: Succulent Sea Bass glazed in Miso with Sake Rice; Vegetable Curry Masala with cooling Cukecumber Yogurt; mouth watering Paella Valencia, and many, many more.

You see, I have traveled existentially, mastering the regional cuisine and, adding my own touches, have stunned the food world with astrological delights!

Now my supposal. I have visited your Webby site for several months. While I do not feel that it is up to my superior standards, I have never the less chosen The Squeeze to be the receiver of my amazing receipts. I enjoy the film reviews by that Italian fellow and the wine column is interesting. But here, you have put the wagon before the donkey! For wine is nothing more than a beverage to go with the food, non? So, you need a food column. One that will show my magical craft and attract thousands of my fans to your dot coma, oui?

I will accept nothing less than the title of International Food Editor for The Squeeze. I will of course expect small pay. I know dot comas have no money so I will lower my big money demands and leave it to you to pay me what it is fair. Please do not insult me with a pathetic amount. I do not tolerate foolishmen.

I will provide one receipt every two weeks along with my insightful knowledge of the origins. You must help me with the English. This will give you something else to do other than be mean and nasty like in your barky dog section of SCUTT.

I have the right to withdraw my generous offer at any time should The Squeeze drop in standards. Now, to show my good religion I will leave you with a famous dish. Searing Taos Green Chili. I learned this while staying with native Americans (like cowboise and Indians to you) in the ancient Taos Pueblo in Northern New Mexico. I spended many nights with the tribal council huddled around warm fires eating this fiery concocation. It not only is the food for the gods but it will protect one from snow bite during freezing winters. I learned many things from these wonderful people, including a profound humility.

And now I await your positive response and cheque (in advance). Until then, I remain, as always, Aldonze. Chef Aldonze-Luiz (Loo-eeze) at your service!

Harold Hark accepts

Mon cher Aldonze-Loo-eeze-uh,

It is with rapturous enthusiasm that I welcome you to the internet community's best kept secret, The Squiz. A worldwide demographic of no one that I know of is waiting to respond enthusiastically to your unique "receipts". May their delight be now rewarded, if only they knew.

I have personally followed your wonderful career for more than five days and it is certainly without parallax in the profession.

Last night I unburdened many years of pent up flatuses with your excellent Taos Green Chili. It is indeed a salivatory masterpiece, your use of X-rated chilies notwithstanding, and one I feel proud to begin our new web site with. Indeed, since enjoying several generous portions, I have never looked back. Mainly because I'm still on my way to an as yet unknown destination, powered solely by what perhaps may be the seminal flight of a new career in fartisme. Sailing over the Tuamotu Archipelago I perfected what the residents below would likely have interpreted as the rapturous bugle choir of God's Orchestra. That is, un grand pètè in three octaves simultaneously. Upon my eventual landing, perhaps in Patagonia or the Algarve, I intend to thrill locals with the talents of the finest fartiste they will have ever beheld.

And I owe it all to you.

There is perhaps one small problem we should discuss; although now that you have already sent me the first recipe, I am perhaps holding the ball in my court, non? You have spoken of payment. Well, I am nothing if not a just man. May I, with all sincerity, tell you that the cheque is in the mail, Cher Aldonze.

I and the world await your next wondrous "receipt".

Ed. Note: The above was relayed by mobile phone from various parts of the globe. Harold Hark is currently performing in Calabria, where he expects to make his airfare by 2003. As this state of affairs is unacceptable, The Squiz has asked Chef Aldonze to wire him the money in advance of future payments, a proposal that should benefit continuation of this web site. We await his reply. And hope that he makes it before the mail comes.