The Hark-Aldonze ripostuary of antiphonal asininity
Episode 9: The Hangover Cure Guide to Character Assassination
The "Receipts" Taos Green Chili | Aldonze Smears Howdy Harkk! The recent attics on New York and Washington have left Aldonze in depression and mourning. But now, it is time to move on with our lives. I am an optometrist! Good will conquers evil and I can only help by making Art with the foods. My good friend Hark, in good conscience, I must speak to you mano a mano. For Aldonze is nothing if not unconscionable! Your last letter to me was disturbing. First you send my heart soaring to the heavens singing with the angles. To think that you and your lovely family would pay homage to Aldonze by trying so many of my receipts! Then your letter becomes dark. You do the mean and nastiness like on SCUTT. Soon it hits Aldonze like a lightening nut! It is SCUTT! Not that I do not sympathize with the poor refugees and feel the cruel Howard fellow to be a very bad man, but MY FOOD PAGE is not the place for such barky dog rantings! First, knowing that your mental state is hanging by a thin needle, Aldonze says, "The fool and his lost marble thinks he is writing SCUTT." Then I say, "He is beating the bottle again!" While I have made light of your alkalism before, I had no idea that you had the deteriorations to this extent. In times such as now, a weak man like you who lives in a lost world of total personal failure writing the words that no one reads, would most certainly go to the boose for relief. This, my dear Hark is not good. You must get undrunk and enter yourself into a retaliation center and get reinhabited! You must be content with your humble life and count the few blessings you have in your squalid and depressing life. Aldonze is most concerned. You are of weak characters and I can only pray that you have the braves to get help. If you need my help I could catch the next boat. I must, however, insist on a king-size bed. Now, to the biz! I do have good knews! While I am no expert on recohabitation, I can offer you immediate and affective treatment to clear your fuddled brain. I have, for many years, been quite well known for my research called the Aldonze Hangover Cures. The American medicinal magazine, JAMA, has called it "incredible". Many doctors have called my method, "Revolutionary". (Or was it "Revolting"? Same word, non?) Anyway, you must try this and then seek help. Instead of my usual receipt, I shall offer you and my many fans my two methods. One for a medium hangover and the second for a big bad head like yours. This will clear your brain so you can get the much-needed help for your drinking problem. If you survive I will have a special receipt for you next time. Aldonze will always be there as a wise and caring consul. Remember, a friend in knead is a friend indeed. Aldonze is nothing if not a friend in knead. And please, send my long overdue check before trying Methode #2! With deep symphony, I am as always, Aldonze. Chef Aldonze-Luiz (Loo-eeze), at your service! | Hark Smarts Salut Salaud! It is indeed difficult to carry on with these pages after the appalling events in America and the subsequent computer games in Afghanistan. We could do worse than to follow the advice of your great leader, George the Smaller, that is, to go about our business as if nothing had happened. After all, he gained our respect before the election by telling the world that he thought the Taliban was a rock band, and not a very good one at that. I must, however, take issue with your assassination of my character. I am innocent of your slurs purporting to my weakness of character and to my being an alcoholic! I rarely touch alcohol and there is none more noble than I. In fact, were I to live in the vacuum of my dreams, void of the influence of others, my nobility would achieve god-like proportions and I would eschew alcohol completely. While it is true that very few read my uplifting words in defence of justice, words even Shakespeare would be jealous of, these very same people would be devoted fans if only they knew! Why can't you do something to help me by alerting the world to its need for SCATT. Instead, you sit in your cavernous hovel and slander me with verbal spikes of elderly stool. My recent letter to you spoke of a hangover, yes, but it was a rare occurrence. Surely I mentioned that it was in celebration of my return to smoking? Indeed, for eleven days I had consigned my pipes to a box in the garage, intent upon greeting every day free of the noxious habit. Unfortunately, the person who greeted these days was unable to tie his shoelaces or call upon that part of his brain which contained his name, among other important data. To fit the occasion of the end to this error of my ways, I purchased a Cuban cigar (a modest Montecristo No 4, hand rolled, with 129 mm length and a ring gauge of 42) and a bottle of VSOP cognac. And, of course, a fresh packet of pipe tobacco, which I intended to begin using the following day. To prime the cigar and cognac, my wife and I partook of a fine marbled rump steak with a bottle of Ingolby Shiraz, a wine of such full body it nearly had to be chewed. Our daughter enjoyed her usual libation of pineapple flavoured Fanta. Well, let me tell you a joyous night was had by Sadly, the next morning I awoke to a head-splitting hangover. I could have benefited greatly by your Hangover Cure #2, for the prospect of death as an alternative was warmly inviting. To give you an idea of how badly I felt, I spent the day watching "The Comfort of Strangers" over and over. As suicide beckoned by nightfall, it occurred to me that the day might have been better spent with Laurel and Hardy. I look forward to your next receipt. Hopefully it will not be Anthrax Surprise! |