SCUM AT THE TOP

Dear friends,

I'd like to say that I was kidnapped by the Democratic Party and held in a"re-education" camp for the past two months, but the truth is I've been busyproviding half-time entertainment for the new XFL football league and, in myspare time, acting as a spiritual advisor on "Temptation Island."

Last night, a bunch of us from "The Awful Truth" were sitting in theballroom of the Plaza Hotel in New York City at the annual Writers GuildAwards dinner. "The Awful Truth" and, specifically, our segment on theMexican housekeepers in Minneapolis whom the Holiday Inn tried to deport forstarting a union -- was nominated by the Writers Guild for Best DocumentarySeries (for the second year in a row). We ended up losing to the "Frontline"documentary on Pope John Paul II. After forced to endure our season premierebeing scheduled against the mini-series, "Jesus," and getting whomped in theratings, I am now convinced I'm paying for some sort of bad behavior inSister Herman's class. But, as they say in Hollywood, it's an honor just tobe nominated, and it is (two of the year's best films won the screenwritingawards, "You Can Count on Me" and "Traffic").

I was also asked to present the awards for historical non-fiction films andfor radio documentaries. My wife told me that, while I was on the way up tothe stage, the people at a nearby table hissed at me.

"That's the first time I have ever heard someone hiss you just at themention of your name," she said. "Usually they wait 'til you've saidsomething obnoxious or stupid."

Well, it didn't take too long for that to happen. When it came time to handout the radio award, I blurted out, "Radio really sucks these days." Everyradio person in the room booed and hissed. I tried to explain to them thatno matter where you turn on the dial, it all sounds like the same repackagedcrap. Maybe, I said, it's because every friggin' station in this country isowned by just three guys. Realizing that the cheap wine in the place wasflowing like a severed artery, I could see that any comments about how theClinton Telecommunications Act of 1996 allowed a few rich companies togobble up hundreds of local radio stations were not going to go over well.

So I did what I usually do in situations like this -- I just kept piling on.I told of how when I was on a publicity tour with my last film, I would betold there were "eight radio interviews" to do on a particular day in Denveror Cincinnati -- and then I would end up doing all eight interviews in thesame building. Why? Because one conglomerate owned every radio station intown! I said, I know we're all a little misty-eyed these days, missing theold Soviet Union as we do ("Vee only needs vone radio station, comrades!"),and, I guess, who really needs a free flow of information in an opensociety? Having just a few men controlling all the news and opinionsexpressed on the radio dial isn't really that dangerous in a democracy, isit? Limit the knowledge, I say, and you'll have the kind of compliantelectorate who will vote for who they're told!

And then, as if to prove my point, I was handed the list of nominees forradio documentary to read to the audience. The list contained a total ofONE NAME! Only one nominee! And thus, one winner! Now that's the easy way todo it! Screw choice!

Few of my writing union brothers and sisters got the joke. I am not hopefulabout a successful strike.

I made a few more comments about the Orwellian name, "Fox NEWS Channel," andhow I can bet three years from now they'll be doing stories on Clintonaccused of stealing money from the Senator Spouses Club bake sale -- insteadof doing their job investigating the impostor napping in the Oval Office.More hissing.

"I think it's Nader residue," my wife said later. "They hold youresponsible."

Hmm. So that means I'm either the biggest jerk in America (and have muchpenance to pay for what I've done), or I -- and Ralph -- are THE MOSTPOWERFUL MEN IN THE WORLD!. WE CONTROL WHO IS PRESIDENT! We can deny YOU theWhite House if you f*** with us!! WE DID IT ONCE, WE'LL DO IT AGAIN!!HAHAHAHAHA!!! (Laugh of the Meglomaniacs)

Yeah, right. Well, maybe the truth is somewhere in the middle of that, witha tilt toward the the first suggestion.

I want to publicly thank President Clinton for pardoning Howard Mechanic. Asmany of you recall, I was doing a sort of pro-bono Hugh Rodham-thing bytrying to influence Clinton in his final days to let Howard out of prison.He had been on the run for nearly 30 years because -- get this -- he wasaccused of throwing a FIRECRACKER (!) at an anti-war demonstration in theearly '70s. The feds finally, unbelievably, threw him in prison a couple ofyears ago for this offense (one he has always denied). So I and othersstarted an Internet campaign for Howard's release and thousands of you endedup sending a letter to the President. Two hours before his term was up,Clinton not only sprung Howard from prison, he wiped his record clean.

I also want to thank President Clinton for all those other pardons -- theones he gave for cash. It has helped most of that "Nader residue" go away.After the election I got all these nasty letters from well-meaning butdeluded Democrats asking how could I EVER say that there was no differencebetween the Democrats and the Republicans! Many thanks to Clinton forreminding all of us that he and the whole stinkin' lot of them down there --Republicans AND Democrats -- are nothing but a bunch of bought-and-paid-forlowlifes, available anytime to the highest bidder. (Clinton's pardons,actually, pale in comparison to Papa Bush's and Reagan's who, between them,pardoned Pakistani drug dealer Alsam Adam, convicted felons GeorgeSteinbrenner and Armond Hammond, a Cuban terrorist accused of murder, andall of Bush and Reagan's cronies who sold weapons to the Ayatollah and usedthe money to give to drug-running contras in Nicaragua). My nasty letterwriters from the Gorestopo have been strangely silent since Bill offered tohelp prove my point.

So, now we have a Thief-in Chief sitting in the White House-- and our workis cut out for us. Is everybody ready to mend some fences and get busy? Iam.

Yours,

Michael Moore
mmflint@aol.com

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