The Great
Australian
Purge

(The following e-mail was received this week at Political Prisoners of the Future headquarters. Despite its concluding remarks, Winston Smith (not his real name) and his wife have since notified us that they are now in hiding. PPF projections indicate that within two years nearly half the population of Australia will join them.)

Be the first on your block to disappear!
Winston Smith
31 May 2002

Will you be the first on your block to have your front door kicked in by some sniggering sociopath demanding: "Freeze punk! You're under arrest for suspicion of 'possessing a thing' unknown terrorists are likely to use. You have one minute to pack and no right to remain silent."

I know I will.

It all began just two weeks ago when I hacked into a morsel of chump chop with a knife that once belonged to my mother-in-law. It was an innocent act at the time, but I now know that because the old lady once sent flowers to a sickly nun who, as a young girl, had helped an ailing acquaintance of Jim Cairns to cross the street, she is high up on ASIO's list of subversives.

The suspect knife, the implement that will do us all in, is part of a cutlery set the heretofore good woman bequeathed to my wife and I after moving to a retirement village. Of particular interest to ASIO, when they come for us, will be the history of the set. As far as the dear lady was able to ascertain, the cutlery was originally bought from a tableware specialist (since defunct) by the cancer-ridden wife of an ABC reporter who was eventually sacked for left wing bias. When he committed suicide shortly after her death, the cutlery found its way to an op shop where it was discovered by a close friend of Malcolm Fraser who instructed his maid to offer it to the Prime Ministerial household. Upon retirement, the Fraser's sold off or gave away much of the clutter from their days in the Lodge, including the set of cutlery. After passing through the hands of various conservative families (and therefore of no interest to ASIO), it came to be the favoured dinner set of a late ALP backbencher who once made a derogatory remark about Sir Robert Menzies. After he was hounded from public life, the cutlery found its way to my father-in-law's antique shop, whence it came into our family.

Of course ASIO is already aware of this information (thanks to regulation Relaxed 'n' Comfortable MicroEars™ installed in the walls of our home as per decree following the events of March, 1996), and, after coming for us, will be investigating all of the above suspects, including all descendants of those deceased.

Now that our knives (and forks and spoons) have been designated weapons of mass destruction, my poor wife has suffered one anxiety attack after another and finally taken to bed. Her increasingly fervent prayers to God (she never knew he was Anglican!), ring mournfully through the house while I pace the floor day and night wringing my hands over what to do.

We know there is no use fleeing, for the government has apparently scooped up all unemployed ne-er-do-wells (we found this leaflet in our letter box), thoroughly trained them overnight, armed them with anti-terror weapons and manned them at every airport terminal, bus and train depot.

But really, we don't want to leave. We love it here in Australiastan. If only our glorious leader would believe us when we say, as we now do, over and over again: We love you John Winston Howard!

Yours sincerely,
Winston and Julia Smith

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