Chunder
time

• Revealed: Little Johnny's adolescent crush on Georgie Bush
• Humanity's great conflict: Liberals v. Conservatives
• Hitler und Howard
• Rival genealogists: Bush related to Lucifer, is Antichrist
• Genealogists: Bush related to Son of God
• Tim Blair: Coalition updates Axis Sally & Tokyo Rose
• Megocrats: Serving John Howard shamefully
• Mickey Rourke to play Abbott in new film bio
• Umeruhca's shallow heart shorn of quivering hand
• Spectacle of shame

We can now reveal for the first time that the Prime Minister's long anticipated awakening to the heart-fluttering syncopes of adolescent love occurred, not when he met Janette, but the moment he laid eyes on George W. Bush. (Yes, we know he's 63, but he acts and sounds like a 14-year-old, especially when he caresses that little heart-shaped locket with the letter W on the outside and a tiny photo of the man he is head over heels in love with inside.) But is Dubbya a suitable love object? And is it true love or just puppy love?

A little background to this story:

It has long been our considered opinion here at Political Prisoner's of the Future headquarters that everything John Howard did prior to 9/11 was meant to impress upon his wife Janette that he was a man and not a gnome.

But Janette (and the rest of us) have always known better. Behind her cold exterior, from which she occasionally issues advice as to how this putative transmogrification to manhood may be achieved, lies an even colder interior. (In other words, she is your classic conservative: Lifeless, vapid, and mean.)

She may not always have been thus.

Sources close to the PPF have revealed that on the night of her wedding she had a terrifying nightmare. Still within the bad dream, she thought she had awakened, and sought to exact comfort from the gnome she had just married, only to find him shed of his gnomic form. "Oh, my God," she screamed, "I married a rodent!" Moments later she awoke completely to find that her nightmare was only partly true. He was simply a gnome who looked like one.

Too late to back out, she remembered how he had tripped, not once but twice, as he sought to place the ring on her finger during their wedding ceremony the day before. The embarrassing moment was made worse as he perseverated his irritating little throat-clearing cough to hide his ineptness. She should have run for her life, but oh, the scandal!

As she lay there, revolted and repulsed, she vowed to dishonour her connubial contract by refusing his advances, were he ever to offer any. She would instead receive her husband's fetch on a teaspoon when the time came to produce children.

Little Johnny, of course, was relieved by her decision, himself preferring, because of his conservative nature, to keep the warm and the living at a distance.

Nevertheless, over the years, he has continued to beg for her approval in conservative political matters. (He once considered begging for her respect, until he remembered that respect was not part of the conservative zeitgeist.)

To this end, he has exhibited all the characteristics beloved of conservatives: disdain for lesser beings, removal of their rights and any social benefits that might contribute to their well being.

In short, he emerged as the champion of short-term gain by small-minded hucksters.

But there has emerged a new aspect in the character of this fine example of nature's latent regret that it always abhorred a vacuum. His status as a conservative eunuch is being challenged by a startling new theory: could John Howard be a closet queer? (Not there is anything wrong with that.) Is there a new "love" in his life, perhaps even the first?

His rumoured affair with Prue Goward, posed to various journalists over the years, was ever met with wild-eyed disbelief that such a thing could happen on this planet of admittedly vile enterprises. In many cases, the looks were swiftly followed by extreme vomiting. Naturally, the story never made it to print...or even to casual conversation at journo watering holes. Everyone agreed there are limits to the horror mankind is capable of.

Still, could John Howard's capacity to love, thwarted since birth by a Methodist upbringing, be budding at last? (Yes, he may be Anglican now, but his heart, or what passes for it, is pure Methodist.)

Dr Benoit Balz, consultant psychologist at PPF headquarters, claims there is no longer any doubt. "Since September 11, John Howard has exhibited a great yearning to be in the arms of none other than George W. Bush," says Balz. "Typical of adolescents in love, Howard has thrown caution to the wind, not to mention the safety of his country's inhabitants, by falling at the feet of his beloved. He has even begun to sound like him, noticeably imitating his every word and thought, usually a couple of days later so it will sound like he thought of them first. We must remember he is the Prime Minister of Australia.

"A recent example was his mimicking of the US president's thoughts on pre-emptive strikes. Overcome by a desire to please his amour, Mr Howard forgot that Australia's capacity to withstand retaliation to its pre-emptive foreplay was considerably less than the world's only remaining superpower."

Balz concluded: "Is this not a clear case of a man desperately in love, of a man prepared to sacrifice anything to prove he cares? I ask you!"

Well, our hearts all melt at stories of adolescent love, especially the hearts of conservatives, for whom such an event is indeed exotic. We're not sure we want to be part of the regional holocaust that will result from this tryst, but at least our dying words, the ones after "shit!", "fuck!", and other terrified epithets, will be something like: "At least he got the earth to move for him."

Or maybe not.

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Is it possible that there are really just two kinds of people in the world?

If so they are most likely the liberal, open minded, mentally robust individual; and the conservative, close minded, mentally unadventurous individual. Just about every bicameral biped will fall into one or the other of these categories to varying degrees.

Most liberals play out their lives in a kind of "We're all in it together" scenario. That makes them directly aware of the existence of others, an awareness that every human being in the world shares the same joys and sufferings as they do, regardless of religion and culture.

For this inclusive worldview they are called bleeding hearts by conservatives, whose awareness of The Other is indirect and abstract. Conservatives' exclusive relation to humanity stops at the edge of their skin. They remain dissociated from the joys and sufferings they share with six billion fellow travellers. They are in this life for "Me and mine and to hell with everybody else."

Such a view might have made sense some 10,000 years ago, but in terms of harmonious relations between human beings and their evolution as a species, it is a disaster.

At best, conservatism is an admission of defeat in the face of all that life can dish out. It is the way of little people. At worst, it is responsible for the repression that continually knocks humanity to its knees.

Liberal-minded people represent the positive, creative aspect of human nature, a nature that looks up and within. They grapple with the long term, with the meaning of life and mankind's relation to the universe. Liberalism contains within it a vast range of types, from soft-centred do-gooders to agents of evolution.

Conservatives represent the negative, passive/aggressive aspect of human nature, a grubby, Dickensian nature that looks down, as if picadored, to scan the floor or the ground for someone's lost booty, that searches outside itself for a reason to be. They are only interested in the short term, with material self-preservation at the expense of the less fortunate as the highest good. Conservatives range from the frightened, wilfully ignorant, who continually place themselves at the disposal of conservatism's extremes, the autocratic and tyrannical...to the autocrats and tyrants themselves.

Religious prophets such as Buddha, Jesus Christ, and Mohammad have attempted, over the millennia, to weed conservatism out of human nature. They have mostly failed. Yet, every act of heroism, from the firefighters at the twin towers to the heroes of legend, has issued from the instantaneous emergence of a liberal respect of, and love for, humanity. The heroic act transcends the ego-centric, repressive, conservative desire to close down the mind, heart, and spirit, to remain mired in a primeval fear of everything that moves.

Conservatives are like mosquitoes. Sometimes their perverse, malarial ideology of selfishness gets out of control, infesting entire populations, who, having turned their collective backs on the suffering of others, are led eventually to cower and sweat over their complicity with state condoned inhumanity.

It is the conservatives who manufacture arms, who own the guns. It is the conservatives who see The Other as a potential enemy.

Ban the manufacture of all arms and a lot of conservatives will go on the dole, but the world would be a safer place.

As that is never going to happen, one must conclude that, in spite of the exhortations of the prophets, the world is not meant to be a safe place. Which makes Planet X either a cosmic joke or a detention centre for spiritual criminals, a membranous blob in a bubbly universe where the mind is at the mercy of a culture-crushing kindergarten for blinkered little boys whose frontal lobes are still struggling with the process of decentration from adolescence to adulthood.

In the end, the world can be compared to a schoolyard, where the bully (who will "grow up" to be a conservative or worse) lays waste to the liberal (human) instincts of the other children--trust, cooperation, sociability, the desire for knowledge--through fear and intimidation. "Be very afraid," he says, "of anyone who is different or who opposes me. Live in my shadow and obey my every whim and I will not hurt you. Unless I feel like it. Above all, remember this: You are either with me or against me."

If you think of the world as a place where the brotherhood of man is possible, then conservatives are a curse, the true enemy of the human race. Then again, history shows irrefutably that the brotherhood of man is an illusion. Conservatives therefore, have their place. They exist to keep liberal-minded individuals on their toes, to remind them of their humanity and how lucky they are to be the engines of evolution.

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"In January 1933 Adolf Hitler was summoned by President Hindenburg to become chancellor of Germany. Having already reinvented himself, this World War I corporal and son of a minor Austrian bureaucrat now set out to realize the grandiose dream of reinventing first Germany, then the whole of Europe. In February a Nazi provocateur set fire to the Reichstag, a deed that would be written into the legal and historical record as the act of Hitler's invented villains, the Jews. In April, amidst the upsurge of nationalist feeling that followed the Reichstag burning, the Nazis won their first plurality in a nationwide vote, and Hitler tightened his grip on power.
From "Jerzy Kosinski", by James Park Sloan, Dutton 1996, p. 8

John Howard

In March 1996 John Winston Howard rode to power on an anti-Paul Keating vote. Having reinvented himself as the heir to Robert Menzies, this former bowser jockey and suburban solicitor now set out to realise the grandiose dream of reinventing Australia as a nation of frightened xenophobes. In October 2001 a boat load of 353 asylum seekers were purposely allowed to drown, a deed that would be covered up and written into the historical record as an accident and a reminder that Howard's invented villains, Afghan, Iranian, and Iraqi Muslims, were subhumans and unworthy of entry into Christian White Australia. In November, amidst the upsurge of racist, nationalistic feeling that followed the drowning, the Illiberals won their third term, and Howard tightened his grip on power.
Updated by Jerzy Wiçiçiwiç, 2002

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Just a few weeks ago, genealogists linked George W. Bush to the Christ family of Nazareth.

Now, in a stunning new development, rival genealogists claim they have traced the Bush family tree to the offspring of Lucifer, prompting allegations that he is the Antichrist.

(In news just to hand, a spokesperson for the Society of Family Trees has confirmed that the researchers have been taken into custody under provisions outlined in the USA PATRIOT Act.)

The news has spread like wildfire, completely engulfing the flames of glory linking Mr Bush to the Lord.

Condoleezza Rice was informed while working on a draft of the President's acceptance of beatification speech to be given at the Houston Astrodome on Christmas day, with Pat Robertson presiding. A well placed source said Ms Rice leapt to her feet and yelled in a booming, masculine voice: "Apocalypse now!" She then fell to the floor, writhing and hissing and emitting frightful bubbles of brackish effluvia from her mouth. Snakes are said to have issued from her nostrils, but these reports remain unconfirmed.

Donald Rumsfeld has not been seen since the announcement, though one gibbering spectator claims that a large, hideous bat flew away from the place Rumsfeld had been standing only moments before.

Dick Cheney, whose ill health has been the cause of much concern since his installation as Vice President, was suddenly transformed into a hydra-headed monster whose first edict was to have all of the nation's first born brought before him, as well as a tonne of choice paté.

John Ashcroft, caught in the middle of a prayer service in the office of his Christ Was An American! Society, is said to have turned a deeply sinister red as he shed his skin to reveal a howling beast whose anger was so great it did leap upon the gathered staff and gorge upon their blood and sinew. As their brains had been removed for scientific study on condition of employment, they offered no resistance.

As for George W. Bush, the man with the past in question, he was meeting with members of the Bilderberg Club to discuss oil distribution after Hussein Removal when a minder slipped in to reveal the news. Dubbya momentarily exuded puffs of smoke from his ears, before laughing it off. "Don't you worry, mah fellow Beelzebubbas," he told his colleagues, "we ain't been bombed agin. Just a little piece of news the feller couldn't wait to tell me. Guess what? Geenologists have just proved Saddam Hussein is the Antichrist!" And the old goats bayed and whinnied and barked and ululated with a rich, all-knowing laughter not heard since the beginning of time.

---

In other genealogical news, John Howard's family tree has been linked to Dathan the Reubenite, who was swallowed up by an earthquake for his rebellion against Moses. Those unfamiliar with Howard, but who want a thumbnail sketch of the man, are referred to Dathan's portrayal by Edward G. Robinson in Cecil B. DeMille's version of "The Ten Commandments".

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In a stunning boost for George W. Bush's flippy-floppy war effort, genealogists have traced the president's family tree back to Jesus of Nazareth. Not the Jewish one, the Aryan one. Recent interpretations of the Bible by John Ashcroft's Christ Was An American! Society show that there were indeed two families competing for the title of God's only begotten son. Alas, the question of paternal legitimacy may remain unsolved. Was George's ancestor one of Aryan Jesus's brothers, and thus born of the seed of Joseph? Or like Jesus, could George be the descendent of ... of God? Condoleezza Rice has been quick to support the latter theory, and George's mommy, Barbara agrees. Pundits have been quick to accept the revelation, saying that Bush's often garbled syntax may simply be a genetic throwback to Aramaic. CWAA!S disputes this, revealing that American English was commonly spoken at the time.

The president isn't saying what he thinks, but there is a twinkle in his eye. (If you look closely you can see both eyes twinkling). He is reported to be working on a speech in which he plans to give thanks to Cousin Jesus for being a great guy. As to which aspects of the late, great Lord's life apply to Dubbya, his speechwriters, led by Condoleezza Rice, are currently brainstorming the er, possibilities.

Meanwhile, Dubbya's spin doctors are trying to read the pulse of the electorate. Should he lay claim to the direct hand of God or adopt the more modest, earthly lineage? Push polls are being taken as we go to press.

But whether he chooses modesty or deification, it is generally assumed that he now has enough clout to round up the mother of all posses for a shoot-'em'up in Eyerack. Dubbed "Operation Onward Christian Soldiers", the invasion is now as inevitable as phone taps for all of us.

This revelation comes on the heels of last week's revelation by ancestor.com revealing Dubbya as the cousin (only six centuries and four lobes removed) of Winston Churchill. Further, he may be a relation to the Windsors, who, unkindly it must be admitted, proceeded to puke in their Sooty egg cups at the news.

The Churchill connection makes sense, when you think about it. In the time it took him to work through a couple of choice Cubanos, cousin Winnie turned Dresdenites into burning fat. While cousin Georgie has always shown a fondness for sizzling lowlife crims at Huntsville Prison, he's yet to scale the heights of slaughter reached by his lesser new-found rellie.

Now, with Saddam Hussein (coincidentally a big fan of Churchill's) removed from simmer on the back 40 of Dubbya's America-sized BBQ to snap, crackle and pop in his front 'n' center fryin' pan, the boy with conjoined eyes will get his chance to up the ante big time. All those weapons of mass destruction stockpiled in the warehouses of his friends, the arms manufacturers, will finally roll off the shelves and into the exploding pores of tens of thousands of Baghdadis.

Oddsmakers around the globe are busy setting up their tote boards on this one. Can Georgie kill more defenceless people than Winnie? Faites vos jeux!

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Who said fascists don't have a sense of humour? Tim Blair, the Coalition's Storm Trooper on leave to write comedy routines for The Australian sure does. Especially when he's pulling the wings off greenies (5/9/02).

Tim can hardly contain his guardhouse mirth when he claims that "the green movement is dying. Call me an optimist," he says, "but signs of wonderful green death seem to be appearing all over...". Hey, who needs a healthy planet when we can don jackboots and make the world safe for shareholders?

Blair is no slouch when it comes to research. The proof of his impending celebration is to be found in the words of Leon Louw, director of South Africa's Free Market Foundation: "Exaggerations and lies in the litany of scare stories about the state of the planet have been exposed repeatedly by a growing number of realists."

Tim you're a real hoot. Who among us would believe our eyes and the warnings of scientists when we can get our dose of realism from a businessman? As we all know, recent events have proven them to be as pure as the increasingly driven snow.

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What a full moon! In the last few days of its August waxing we have witnessed the derailment of Pell Pot, the Canterbury Bulldogs, Dennis "The Dork" Napthine, Natasha Stott Despoja and, perhaps the Australian Democrat Party itself.

Natasha was ambushed, drawn and quartered by a treacherous group of Senators who will certainly feel the future wrath of Democrat members overwhelmingly supportive of Despoja. The "Gang of Four," as the media has dubbed them, are comprised of Lyn "Hypocrisy Incarnate" Allison, John "The Self-dealing Intriguer" Cherry, Aden "Inertia in a vacuum" Ridgeway, and Andrew "Judas was a wimp" Murray.

They are all exhibit a conservative lust for Meg "The Mop" Lees. They are all dedicated to the premise of working with the currently elected government, even if that government is a treasonous rogue.

With absolutely no other choice left after the Ten-Point "Adoration of the Meggie" Plan was presented to her, Natasha resigned her leadership.

As Matt Price says (The Australian 22/8/02), "In its raw form, the Gang of Four's Ten Commandments boiled down to four bruising insults:

• Natasha, you're stuffed
• So are your staff
• We blame you both for losing Meg Lees
• In case you don't already feel completely humiliated, go and make peace with Meg"

Despoja says she will remain with the Democrats. But how? The humiliation has been so complete as to be terminal. It is unlikely she will become an independent or go to the Greens. Certainly Labor is out of the question. There may still have been a glimmer of hope for those cowards when Cheryl Kernot defected. But not any more.

What a mess. At 33, Natasha is too young to quit politics. Especially since she, Bob Brown and Peter Andren are just about the only politicians who represent the possibility of a future not controlled by the usual opportunists.

Meanwhile Brian Greig (and now Andrew Bartlett) has further enraged the outraged Gang of Megophiles by being installed as interim leader by the National Executive over Aden Ridgeway, whom Matt Price, in the same article above, has described as "either extraordinarily gullible or incredibly sneaky." Glenn Milne says he "has either been a Machiavelli or an incredible bumbler."

Perhaps Ridgeway is a scaredy-cat as well. He's pulled out of the leadership contest and will resign the deputy leader position on the eve of the ballot.

A cowardly move? Seems so. He may be afraid his pro Meg position in the Gang of Four would have resulted in a hiding from the members.

But by running for his life he has also made the upcoming ballot less than a genuine contest. Those who do side with Meg should have someone to vote for. Ridgeway's move thus further destabilises the party. Unless he or another G4 decides to counter Brian Greig, the wound will continue to fester.

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Rumour has it that despite Tony Abbott's bad boss 'n' husband gaffe, John Howard was secretly thrilled. In response, the "good boss" has commissioned his Minister for Kick 'em When They're Down, Heil Ruddock, to produce a motion picture based on Abbott's life.

You may remember Heil as the producer of such famous videos as "Nobody here but us scorpions, snakes and crocodiles," "(Water, water, everywhere in your country, but none in...) Australia, the barren desert," and the epic children's tale, "(They're not like us so...) Throw 'em overboard".

Touted as the PM's answer to Adolph Hitler's "Leni Riefenstahl," Ruddock's oeuvre has heretofore been limited to producing propaganda videos to thwart escapees arriving from oppressive countries. And highly successful they were, according to Iranian, Iraqi and Afghan authorities, having played in tea houses and nomadic tents across the Middle East to really appalled spectators. A typical reaction was that of Hassan Hussein, leaving the Rialto Yurt in Komsheh, Iran: "Scorpions and snakes are our friends, but I'd rather have my eye removed by the thumb of the father of the boy who raped my daughter because he once saw her licentious big toe than face a crocodile. Oh Philip Ruddock, thank you so much!"

Heil has been given the go ahead to contact actor Mickey Rourke to star in the new film, tentatively titled "Sluggo: Brain Damage Did Not Deter Him."

Rourke, the bad boy of Hollywood, has yet to accept the offer, but as he started life as a boxer and has since returned to his first love, there is a close parallel with Abbott's career. Moreover, it is felt that Rourke's acclaimed roles in films such as "Desperate Hours," "Wild Orchid" and "Barfly" would bring depth and resonance to the life of Australia's foremost scumbag.

A nation known for its contribution to film, but chiefly for its sporting heroes and racists, Australia just might be in contention once again for the Oscars, that great celebration of marketing and mediocrity. Only this time, the real soul of the nation will be on display.

It all remains to be seen, but fans of abusing the vulnerable await the event with shirt-soaked drool.

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Like the outraged cow in the children's TV series, Rocko's Modern Life, the government of the United States of Addle-pates rounded on the Ninth Circuit Court of Appeals in San Francisco with a unison "How dare you!"

Seems Judge Alfred T. Goodwin (a Nixon appointee) wrote a 2-1 decision rendering unconstitutional the phrase "under God" in the notorious "Pledge of Allegiance". Forced down the throats of innocent children every morning of their lives, this droning recitation of nationalistic propaganda has long been the butt of ridicule for members of that non-USA demographic known as the rest of the world. Especially when grown men and women put their tremulous right hand over their hearts. The exception to this planetary guffaw would be those religion/states who recognise Umeruhca as a model of fundamentalist zeal.

Bets are now being taken on how swiftly this legal judgement will be overturned.

According to Roy Eccleston in The Australian (28/6/02), "Congress vowed to intervene in support of the pledge, as did the Justice Department under Attorney-General John Ashcroft, who speaks in tongues and holds prayer meetings for staff."

Enough to gag a maggot? Eccleston goes on: "Mr Bush, a born-again Christian who once said America was "chosen by God and commissioned by history to be a model for the world," was outraged by the decision. His aides said the thing that most heartened Arizona fire victims was when Mr Bush told them to "have faith in God".

It would all be cause for aisle-rolling hilarity (once the toilet was flushed and the vomit gone to God), but for the fact that this is the nation that rules the world and "arse-licker" Johnny just prostrated himself before these nongs "for all of us".

For details:
• Caroline Overington: Judges boot pledge to God

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Puny Nephew stood before a joint sitting of the United States Congress (that is the 10 per cent, or 50 of 535 members who bothered to turn up), and pledged his allegiance to Idiot Son and anything Idiot Son wants to do to the world.

Speaking with his still cracking adolescent-cum-dodderer voice, he used the most fawning language to embarrass himself and his country: "We have taken our place beside you in the war against terrorism knowing beyond all doubt that it was an attack upon ourselves and our way of life as surely as it was upon your own. America fought back magnificently and won the admiration of the world."

That's just the kind of whopper you tell the schoolyard bully to get in his good graces. To make matters worse, Johnny said elsewhere that he and Georgie really liked each other and weren't ashamed to say it. Jeesh!

It must surely have occurred to many Australians that everyone in the Bush Administration enjoyed a round of sniggers while sticking fingers down their throats at this ingratiating, appeasing toady.

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