Chump Channels
Harold Hark
31 March 2003

Elvis Presley used to shoot his TV when he couldn't stand the crap any more. Was he crazy? Nah, just rich.

Me, I yell obscenities at it. "Those actors reciting sugar-coated lies about how they've entered Valhalla thanks to some God-damned funds manager are going to die screaming of cancer!" I won't kid you, I hope they do. They represent everything the Australian Illiberal Party stands for, which is the fullness of life as viewed from the panorama of a point.

I should qualify my remarks here. I refer only to the chump channels. You know what I mean, the commercial stations that treat us as if we were mindless chumps. The others, the ABC, SBS and a few of the Pay channels are usually worth every minute of viewing time.

The truth is, I never watch the chumps unless my daughter is in control of the shooter. (Er, that's my Y Chromosome alias for the Remote.) And then, only if it is five minutes or less until the beginning of something I (the sole arbiter of televisual taste in this family) want to watch. Sometimes I have to wrestle her for it. Her desire to watch rubbish is often so intense that it feels as if I'm engaged in combat with Fat Bastard himself, and not a small-boned tweenager.

Like all 12-year-olds, she actually doesn't mind putting up with the constant barrage of insulting ads. I have brow-beaten her until I'm blue in the face: "How can you sit there and literally be told you're a ninny?" She responds by humming one of dozens of current jingles the ad men have devised to shrink her brain. I can only hope she will outgrow her subservience, but let's face it, commercial TV exists to entertain the somnambulant adult audience it captured when they were children.

Shamefully, I have to admit that I use television as a baby sitter. I leave her to it so I can rant on these pages, without being interrupted, about how awful it is.

Top