New ABC Panel To Be Called "Council Of Guardians"
Harold Hark
25 July 2003

Following his interview on AM this morning (but not by a reporter connected with AM), Richard Alston, the Commissar for the Disembowelment of Democracy through Disinformation and other Patriotic Propaganda, revealed that a new panel will be appointed from the curds and whey of conservative commentators and politicians to expunge the un-Australiastani habit of fair and fearless reporting from the ABC.

The panel will be named The Council of Guardians, after the Mullahs ruling Iran, with whom the present Government shares philosophical principles, not to mention a deal to return all asylum-seekers who dared to escape the Mullah's rule.

Wisely eschewing religion as the basis for sound governmental directives, the Council's guidelines will be based on a strict reading of the Little Red Book (by Mao Zedong, revised by John Howard), ensuring transparency in bringing the rogue national broadcaster to heel.

Among many others, the Council will seek to enforce the following rules in order for the broadcaster to more accurately represent the dreams and wishes of the state:

• No more daring to question the authority of the Great Aspirational Cultural Revolution currently flourishing in the People's Monarchy of Australiastan (formerly Australia), or of its Dear Leader, Puny Nephew.
  
  
• No more anti-Umeruhcan bias will be tolerated, despite at least 50 per cent of the world population's terrified belief that Umeruhca is the most dangerous nation on earth. Such misguided ignorance will no longer be allowed in Australiastan!
  
  
• Not only will the un-Australiastani voice of 50 per cent of the population no longer be heard (Thanks Be To Puny!), but every one of them will be turned over to ASIO for a just and proper purging. In accordance with the direction of Puny Nephew's New Australiastan, their bank accounts will be seized to pay for Our Heroic Interests in the Solomon Islands and for future incursions into Oceania, and Eastasia.
  
  
• The ABC's theme song will be replaced with the children's standard (to reflect the ruling mentality as revised by John Howard): "If you're happy 'cause you're wealthy, jail a child."

Once the Council has concluded the vetting process, it will advise the Government to undertake the following:

• Remove all anti-Howard apparatchiks (formerly known as National Treasures).
  
  
  • Prominent among these vermin are Phillip Adams, Linda Mottram, and the entire staff at Radio National, that hotbed of intellectual, anti-Aspirational radicalism. Upon their removal, they will be handed over to the Australiastani Red Guards (formerly the AFP) for terminal self-criticism.
    
    
• Following the removal of these and hundreds of other traitors, the Howard Broadcasting Corporation (formerly the ABC) will replace them with washed-up Talkback hosts from Government friendly chump stations.

Commissar Alston decided that was enough for one day and retired to his boudoir to be serviced by a bevy of Heil Ruddock's discarded Iraqi girls who mistakenly thought they had escaped the clutches of Uday Hussein by taking a leaky boat to Australia (now Australiastan).

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