The Diary Of A Sheep...At Sea...
Peter Davis
20 October 2003

Day 10: Somewhere in the Indian Ocean.

I've decided to start this diary because there are rumours thatthe Saudis won't take us even though we have all the legitimatetravel documents. Many of us feel the wool is being pulled overour eyes.

Day 18: Something is clearly wrong. We seem to be going nowhere.Already there have been deaths. The PM's Department in Canberrahas instructed that the dead are to be tossed overboard at nightso the rest of us can't see. But we can hear. And the splash ofcarcasses overboard in the otherwise silent sea is unsettling.

Day 22: It's confirmed. The Saudis have reneged on their deal.The official line is that they don't want us because some of ushave scabby mouth. But the real reason is due to souringrelations with Australia. Apparently the son of a high-rankingSaudi official in Canberra was talking on his mobile. An alertpolice officer overheard the Middle Eastern accent andimmediately became alarmed. The officer consulted his fridgemagnet and dialled the terrorist hotline. The young Saudi is nowin the Baxter detention centre awaiting deportation to somefenced-off part of Cuba. Meanwhile, we sheep look like becomingthe meat in a political sandwich.

Day 24: Decided to start a union today. If we can present aunited log of claims we may have a future. We call our union ASIO- Australian Sheep In Order. Our main demand is for asylum-seekerstatus at the nearest port.

Day 25: The Government rejected our claims. But they are preparedto listen to us if we each sign an individual workplaceagreement. This is distressing. There are 50,000 of us here. Wehave neither the time nor the resources to do this. We issuedanother claim for asylum and we reasserted our right tocollective baa-gaining under the ILO convention.

Day 26: Seems like there's a chance that we can go to Iraq but weare concerned because the Australian Government has high-leveltravel warnings for that destination. They keep telling us thatthe place is dangerous and riddled with weapons of massdestruction.

Day 28: A team of vets came on board today. They were heavilyarmed and they only looked at the healthiest among us. Turns outthey were disguised SAS (Soldiers Against Sheep) forces and theiragenda was to suss out dissent in the flock. They have removedsome of the black sheep. Morale is very low.

Day 33: The Iraqi deal is off. The Australians don't trust theIraqi people to deal with our disembarkation and the occupyingforces reckon they have too much on their hands just trying tostay alive.

Day 45: Boredom and heat are the main problems. The captain hasreceived instructions from the PM's office that we are to beconfined below deck away from the glare of media helicopters.Someone has smuggled in a mobile phone that takes pictures and weare determined to get images out to show people around the worldthat we are just like them.

Day 47: Afghanistan is willing to take us but Iran has denied uspassage. The Iranians claim that we are a health risk. Thereality is that ever since Australia followed America like sheepand supported the US claim that Iran is part of the axis of evil,the Iranians have become obstructionist.

Day 48: The captain of the ship has passed on SOS (Save OurSheep) messages from many Australians. We are buoyed by thissupport, which includes a statement from the Leader of theOpposition that he wants to bring us home.

Day 49: Turns out the Leader of the Opposition wants us home sothat we can be used for branch stacking and barbecues at the nextelection. This news came as a bitter blow to our hopes, and therewere more nightly splashes than ever before.

Day 54: A priest came to issue last rites. He assures us thatChristians around the world are praying for us. He tells us thatthe Prime Minister is a Christian and so are many of his cabinetministers such as Abbott and Ruddock. "They look after theirflock," he said before muttering something about the Lord beinghis shepherd. I dreamt of lambs to the slaughter.

Day 59: The news is official. After nearly two months at seawe're going home. The Government has bought us back. Theexcitement dies when we are each handed an invoice for the costof additional feed, fuel and supervision on our prolonged seajourney.

Day 65: The journey home seemed to be taking a long time. Thenone of the flock caught wind of our true direction. We're headingnorth, beyond Australian waters towards some remote islands.Rumours are that we will be imprisoned or slaughtered.

To keep ourselves sane we have written a song. We dedicate it toall those who have contributed to our demise.

Buy buy back sheep our boat is over full
Why sir why sir are you such a fool
You fall for your master
And you fall for the game
And you fall for the silly myth that sheep are all the same

P.S. The Australian Government Final Solution is to rename theship "The Love Boat" and send it to New Zealand. It isconfidently expected the Kiwis will welcome this move withopen(?) arms.

Peter Davis is a Melbourne writer and photographer and a lecturerin writing at Deakin University.

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