A PM's plasma pals
Matthew Pinkney
Herald Sun, 17 February 2003

THE following telephone discussion between Prime Minister John Howard andCommunications Minister Richard Alston was covertly recorded earlier thisyear.

The quality of the intercept suffers because of a maintenance backlog onTelstra's regional infrastructure.

ALSTON: "Prime Minister, a smallish problem. This, ah, friend of mine wasgiven a digital telly by Telstra. It's unbelievable! It's high definition,it's got a massive screen but it's so thin you can hang it on the wall. Andthe picture is just so . . ."

HOWARD: "Richard, be straight with me please. This `friend' is you, isn'tit?"

ALSTON: "What? (sighs) You could always see through me, Prime Minister. I'msorry, I'll ring Telstra immediately and inform them in no uncertain termsthat our ministerial code of conduct expressly prohibits ministers fromaccepting any gift or benefit that might give an appearance of improperinfluence . . ."

HOWARD: "Richard, listen to me . . ."

ALSTON: ". . . and remind them, nay upbraid, them to the effect that a giftthat gives even the appearance of a conflict of interest simply cannot . .."

HOWARD: "Richard! Stop. It's OK. I've got one, too. Telstra flicked it tome in August for three months, which was more than six months ago and itdoesn't look like they're going to ask for it back."

ALSTON: "Oh . . . well, I had been thinking of saying that given I'm theminister responsible for introducing digital TV it was very important for meto understand . . ."

HOWARD: "Mate, the nub of this issue -- and what really matters -- can besummed up in just three words: Cricket. World. Cup."

ALSTON: "You. Bloody. Beauty!"

(Indistinct) Sounds of laughter.

ALSTON: "OK, that's great. Now, how do we handle the media if this getsout? I can hear the pathetic whingeing already -- Telstra's using taxpayerfunds on our tellies -- shouldn't the money be going to improve services inthe bush? Blah, blah, gripe, gripe."

HOWARD: "Ah, but you forget only last year we approved line rentalincreases that mean almost everybody pays an extra $24 a year. Even allowingfor compensation to low-income earners, our decision will tip an extra $6million a year into Telstra's piggy bank.

"Now, what did that Labor idiot Lindsay Tanner say? If we were to hire ourtellies from Harvey Norman it would cost us $476 each a month. That's around$11,000 a year for both of us. And yet Telstra's earning all this extramoney, so in net terms they're better off. It is, my friend, what you call awin-win situation."

ALSTON: "Umm, well, when you put it like that. Look, the other thing I wasthinking was that people might say you and I in particular shouldn't begetting gifts from Telstra as we're pretty much responsible for determiningits future. I mean, we decide on things like price rises and whether to sellthe other bit of it . . ."

HOWARD: "Richard, Richard, Richard. Haven't you been watching me on myCoalition of the Willing world tour?"

ALSTON: "Yes Prime Minister. In glorious widescreen."

HOWARD: "So, you would have noticed me wearing my rugby tracksuit. Youknow, the one with Vodafone plastered in huge letters all over it?"

ALSTON: "I must admit I was wondering about that."

HOWARD: "Isn't it obvious? Here's the Prime Minister of Australia providingglobal free advertising to a British company in direct competition with ournational carrier. A carrier -- I might add -- that's ASX listed and couldsuffer a plunge if Vodafone becomes too successful. Who could accuse me offavouring Telstra?"

ALSTON: "You are brilliant."

HOWARD: "Thank you. My advice is relax and enjoy. By the time this thingbreaks, the media will be obsessed with Warnie ripping through the Indiansin South Africa and the Poms flogging our Socceroos. Trust me."

ALSTON: "How could I have doubted you? One last thing. This, um, friend ofmine was wondering what the number is for the Playboy channel . . ."

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