THE SUBS 'N' DUDS

REPORT

• Hark's Barks
  • Howard's Larvals Need a Name Change
  • Bye, Bye Ross, and take Graeme Samuel With You!
• Where's Me Tablets! by Gort Slypesunder
  • Life in Tory Australia
  • Sir Bully and Lady Bubbles

HARK'S BARKSby Harold Hark

Howard's Larvals Need a Name Change

In America, to be a 'Liberal' is to be an "un-American, Commie-loving, human rights activist deviate". The hammering PR of right wing Republicans has been successful to the point where politicians who are inherently disposed to consider the less advantaged among their constituents have had to insure at the same time that they are not labelled with this dirty word.

In Australia, the word has been claimed by a party who in no way reflects its meaning. Macquarie has many definitions of the word liberal. Here are a few: 3. favourable to or in accord with the policy of leaving the individual as unrestricted as possible in the opportunities for self-expression or self-fulfilment. 4. of representational arms of government rather than aristocracies and monarchies. 5. free from prejudice or bigotry; tolerant. The Random House dictionary has, among others, the following definition: 9. characterised by generosity and willingness to give in large amounts.

Menzies may have had some of these definitions in mind when he formed the Liberal Party in Australia. But it is well known that he did not vote Liberal in the last three elections held while he was still alive. Had he seen the writing on the wall?

Whatever Menzies had in mind no longer applies. John Howard's 'Liberal' Party is about as liberal as Vladimir Zhirinovsky's Liberal Democratic Party in Russia. The concept of the word is entirely misunderstood or used with cynical contempt for the intelligence of citizens. The Liberal Party needs a name change. If not the Larval Party, then the Regressive Party, for Australian history has seen no party more dedicated to the reversal of time.

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Bye, Bye Ross, and take Graeme Samuel With You!

Good on ya Hawthorn! As the local butcher said, "The likes of Kennett and Howard might turn every other aspect of our life into a third world condition, but they'd better leave our footy alone." At the extraordinary meetings of Melbourne and Hawthorn members, Australians witnessed a grass roots repudiation of the cold-blooded system ruling their country and the world. Made up of every possible political persuasion, members sat next to each other and soundly rejected God the Dollar. How many of them, avid supporters of Coalition policies, realised that they were, in effect, shouting those policies down. As we've said before, no one acts against treacherous governments until they are personally affected. Here was the supreme case of a personal encounter with a philosophy which holds financial imperatives as the only viable consideration, while regarding passion and loyalty with contempt.

Indeed, AFL commissar, Ross Oakley, EconoRat to his desiccated core, had previously described the passionate folk of Monday Night as little more than "whingeing, whining people on the fringe". How wrong he was. His temporary supremacy is attributable to the innate greediness of human nature, but eventually people stand up for people and the carpetbaggers of the soul are thrown out.

Meanwhile Oakley's philosophy, epitomised by 'community worker' and AFL commissar, Graeme Samuel (regarded by one senior football administrator as a menace who "does not understand what he is destroying.") will be working hard to regain lost ground. As Patrick Smith (in The Age) points out, the AFL will be gunning for Hawthorn from the opening bounce next season. The men who understand nothing of the passion people feel for Melbourne football, will use every threat and scheme possible to make sure they go down the tubes. Here is what Smith thinks: "The Hawks can expect to play their first six games interstate. Round seven could put them at Optus Oval; round eight, and they will be out at Whitten Oval; come round nine, they'll see Waverley Park for the first time. Try to build a membership base on that, baby."

From the Dees camp we were treated to Ian Ridley's embarrassing TV commercials, expecting us to go 'Aww,' when he used his grand-daughter to help encourage Demon supporters to vote themselves out of existence. Of course the merger really meant the extinction of the Hawks. As Don Scott pointed out early on, it was a takeover, with no great loss to the Melbourne Football Club. No change whatsoever to their guernsey except for an add-on Hawk. Future premierships would be recorded under the name of Melbourne, even though they were based at Glenferrie oval, home of the Hawks.

We think Merge Monday (as Patrick Smith called it) was a microcosm of the explosion that will one day occur in Australia, when "the likes of Kennett and Howard," and Pauline Hanson and Graham Campbell and all of the engineers of a return to tribal paranoia will eventually be cast upon the scrap heap of history. For a little while, then, civilisation might once again be worthy of its name.

In the meantime, Joe Gutnick just might break the anti-Jewish code of the MCC.

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WHERE'S ME TABLETS!
by Gort Slypesunder

Life in Tory Australia

• EconoRat motto: 'Can't pay? Go away'. But now, even if you have paid, you're being told to hit the road. The Feds want to force 55 year olds to use their super before going on unemployment. Of course they have to declare themselves retired to get their super, and once it is used up, they will be too old to claim unemployment. "These people have carried the taxation system for 35 years and they're not allowed to access for a period of time unemployment benefits," said Kim Beazley. John Howard's motto: "No one deserves anything."

• You don't have to be a wowser to hate the gambling ethic that is turning Victoria into a state of losers. Crown Casino and the plethora of pokies throughout the land are now being seen to be the direct causes of an increase in crime and the fall-off of consumer spending. There is only so much 'disposable income' to go around. Jeff and his mates are getting rich and we are getting poorer. Young adults on the dole and unemployment are using all their money to try and strike it rich. And they are coming home with nothing.

• Good on Rex Hunt: "Neil Busse, you had better take a good hard look at yourself. Andrew Collins is a model for all football players." Indeed, the fascist of the AFL tribunal rubbed out Collins (as he does with relentless fanaticism anyone brought before him who plays for Hawthorn), even though Adem Yze said nothing had happened. And who got free in the past few weeks? The superstars: Carey, Ablett, Lockett.

• Taiwan sees Australia as a potential bad place to invest, owing to the foreseen escalation of strikes. Doesn't the Howard Government also see this? Where is their business acumen, in fomenting strife among workers. True, business wants to pay its workers the least possible, but at a certain point, even business sees that a satisfied work force is GOOD FOR BUSINESS! Will Australians sit back and let themselves be devalued?

• The Kennett Government didn't get its way over moving St. Vincents Hospital from Fitzroy to the burbs, so it's going to reduce funding. How typical ; they've been playing these bully tactics for the last four years. Our Glorious Bleeder says we shouldn't expect a Utopian system in which Victorians received treatment in public hospitals at any time. What's Utopian about expecting to get a bed instead of waiting 12 hours on a trolley? (Gareth Boreham, The Age)

• The Kennett Government's mania for compulsive competitive tendering has reached new lows. The Law Institute of Victoria has offered the new Legal Practice Board (set up by A-G Jan Wade to rid herself of criticisms from the Law Institute) free software and other services for a savings of $1.5 million. But the government has refused the offer. "Amazing," said the institute's executive, Mr Ian Dunn, "it does seem extraordinary that a system built up over a couple of decades, with its accumulated expertise and vast knowledge, and it was available for nothing, has been rejected." (Paul Conroy, The Age)

• The Dole Diaries--and The Howard Government ethic: Dob in a dole Cheat--are here. Said John Faulkner, The Government is..."setting targets for alleged dole cheats, but Mr Howard and Senator Vanstone refuse to set a target for the jobs they are going to create." Jobs? This government is not in business to promote jobs. On the contrary, world's best practice in nation management tells them to sack as many as possible. How else can wages be pushed down? Micro-economic reform, after all, translates to less jobs, which means more choice for employers: 'Let's see now, those strapping young boys over there can be the camels. And these lovely young lasses here can be our concubines.' Forward to the Past, eh, John?

• One in five Australian schoolchildren cannot read says Melbourne University researchers. Well, this must be a relief for Coalition governments, since nation-wide ignorance will insure their grip on power.

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Sir Bully and Lady Bubbles in:
"A Celebration of Swine"

Protected by His crack force of Baton Twirlers, the Czar and Czarina strolled obliviously through a gauntlet of protesting peasants to attend the gala dinner celebrating another four years of unopposed rule. Joining them inside were a salivation of sharks, elevated by greed and contempt to the cream of a peasant-devouring high society. The Czar's motto, "Our Once Proud State--Love Me or Shove Off," was spelt in heraldic letters on great white banners of the finest cloth peasant taxes could buy. And all assembled were made glad by it, for they loved the Czar and never ceased to show Him of their love by agreeing with His every word and gesture.

While the peasants rattled tin pots and pans outside and shouted irritating slogans like, "Health, education, justice and other essential services are being starved of funds, but gluttony is evident in the Bellarine Ballroom," the revellers slorked their way through bell pepper in timbale sauce surrounded by fillets of smoked trout, loins of lamb coated in mustard and roasted sesame seeds, and wild cherry mousse, all of which were washed down by a selection of Czar-brand wines and cheeses.

But the highlight of the evening was the Czar's speech, in which He advised the $1000-a-head devotees that our once proud state was no longer just another state of the country, that the time had come to "take on the world". And so blessed were they by His favour and so sniggeringly sure was He of theirs, that they joined one and all in yet another conga line, groins to backsides, and cavorted merrily for the coming of world to their coffers.

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