THE SUBS 'N' DUDS

REPORT

• Hark's Barks
  • Governed By Relics: Mean Old Fogies in Canberra
• Where's Me Tablets! by Gort Slypesunder
  • Deceiving Our Children For Political Gain
  • Ticked Off
  • Two-Bob Watch: Alexander Downer

HARK'S BARKS by Harold Hark

Governed By Relics: Mean Old Fogies in Canberra

In four months, the Howard Government has shown Australians just what it stands for: the pinch-faced Calvinist values of a humourless and withered patriarchy whose idea of a good time is to cut, sack and shut down.

It is clear that the Larval Party wishes to return to the heyday of the 19th century. They want to set themselves up as our Masters, the overlords of our unbridled instinct to evolve, an instinct which must be curtailed and guided towards fiscal servitude. They want some of us to be their Jesters and some to be their Servants. Above all, they require our admiration, respect, and devoted subservience. And the Great Unwashed--with their mental disorders, homelessness, and general inability to cope with an entrepreneurial world--can go to hell.

Here are a few telling indications of this government's mindset:

• The ban on dancing in the corridors of Parliament. Here was a group of desiccates handing down a memo to adults, the representatives of the Australian people in government, telling them they were no longer to behave as naughty children. What will the punishment be? A good caning, or the strap!

• The many gaffes of John Herron are nought compared to his concern over the appointment of the next ATSIC chairman. Bwana indicated that he was afraid that if ATSIC dealt with the appointment themselves, they might offer up someone who would embarrass the nation in dealing with foreign VIPs at functions. There is no doubt that this attitude prevails throughout the Coalition. Noel Pearson was spot on in saying that John Howard did not really approve of Mabo.

• Speaking with the moral fibre of a 19th century stuffed shirt, Gold Coast Liberal MP John Bradford would like to abolish the ABC's Triple J--Australia's world class radio station for the living, whether young or old-- claiming he wants to protect "vulnerable" young people from some of the "disgusting topics discussed on air." (Natasha Stott Despoija in The Age Green Guide, 27/6/96.)

• Victorian Federal MP, Kevin Andrews, will introduce a private member's bill today seeking to override the Northern Territory's euthanasia legislation, arguing that the death of terminally ill people should be taken out of their own hands and placed in the hands of morally responsible politicians. Mr Andrews is probably a pro-lifer as well. We'll bet that 90% of all retros who would deny a woman the responsibility to make her own choice regarding abortion also support the antiquated Liberal-National idea of the nuclear family, consisting of Fascist Dad, Doormat Mum, and a couple of freckle-faced kids with blank bits for genitals.

• And didn't John Howard's uncomfortable conversation with the Cox's of Sydney, celebrating the first call over Optus Vision's new local phone service sound like it was happening in the 1950's? Uncanny and weird!

• Then we have the inept controversies unnecessarily brought about by Howard's Ministers. Amanda The Hun's verbal diarrhoea over University cuts was unprofessional but effective. Many Vice-chancellors have bowed and scraped to save themselves while selling the students out. In fact, the entire community is on its knees. Peter "The Jerk" Costello treats everyone with contempt, standing from his perceived lofty position to speak down to premiers and proles alike. He has no qualms in cutting the foundation from under the country he wants to rule. Alexander Downer, the Coalition's Little Lord Fauntleroy, was and is living proof that the Liberal Party has no business governing. Not because they are freshmen at the job, but because they do not govern for all. As Noel Pearson pointed out, The 'us' in 'For all of us,' really meant 'them'! John "The Gentleman Racist" Herron has made so many inexcusable gaffes that surely John Howard is a breath away from sacking him. But then we have Clueless John himself. It's a real worry that anyone under 75 voted or him. The image posterity will leave us with is of that flak jacket so prominent under his suit coat. It made you feel sorry for him and wonder how long it took him to get it off.

We are indeed governed by relics, at the mercy of inept Machiavellians whose concept of governing is to balance the books, to make the likes of Standard and Poors happy, but who shirk the real responsibility of insuring that Australia's social fabric--the lives of real people--is not stretched to the breaking point. Like the Kennett Government, the Federal Coalition refuses to govern. As someone once said: "Historically, the population fits on a kind of Bell Curve, with their political beliefs averaging out to be about half to the right and half to the left." Unfortunately Utopia will never exist because of the 50% who lean to the right.

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WHERE'S ME TABLETS!
by Gort Slypesunder

Deceiving Our Children For Political Gain

The democratically elected scourges of Victoria and Australia, Jeff Kennett and John Howard, have done what all but the gullible (Liberals and children) expected them to do. In order to obtain the votes of Victoria's youth, Jeff Kennett led them to believe he would decriminalise marijuana. But the demagogue who once advised the same youth that the highest goal in life was to become a small businessman never had any intention of doing so.

In order to obtain the votes of Australia's youth, John Howard did promise to leave tertiary HECS alone. The Great Family Man has become the Great Betrayer.

By their actions, they have shown themselves to be as conniving as the worst of pedophiles.

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Ticked Off

• Whistleblowing is not the same as dobbing. Whistleblowers uncover corruption and villainy within organisations which the public normally depends on for its well being. The (usually anonymous) Dobber, on the other hand, commits social treason. At it's most innocent is the tattletale, a child who informs on someone out of spite or fear. Children quickly grow out of this antisocial behaviour by learning the difference between right and wrong. Those who don't, grow up to call the cops on the neighbour who has a marijuana plant basking in the sun, or as they did in WWII, inform the Nazi's of the family hiding Jews. In the case of the Dole Diary, the Howard Government is asking Australians to dob in people who are collecting money to live on because they can't find jobs that aren't there.

• Why hasn't the AFL sued Eastern Energy? Would the old SEC have allowed the lights to go off at Waverley? We'll never know. We also believe Eastern Energy is guilty. Of course, those fortunate to live in the inner suburbs--and therefore under CitiPower--can breathe easy regarding power surges and failures. Ron, Lloyd and Jeff will never allow their lights to be turned off.

• What's all this talk about gentlemen shooters? Aside from a contradiction in terms, what constitutes a shooting gentleman? Well, we at the PPF actually know one (and we suspect you do too). This gentleman drives a Jaguar and enjoys wine tastings. He also once suggested that Australia be ringed by nuclear missile sites.

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Two-Bob Watch: Alexander Downer

He'd make a great neighbour. Gentle hellos of a Sunday morning, as he and yourself bend simultaneously to pick up the newspaper. Or later, over the back fence, commenting on the weather, the lawns, the kids and dogs. But then, during the week, while you work longer hours and twice as hard at a job you aren't sure is going to be yours for much longer because your neighbour's government guidelines no longer place a priority on skills but upon a fearful vetting of those whose intelligence levels are deemed dangerous to the prevailing ideology, the thought will keep nagging you that Alexander Downer is making a fool of himself all over Asia. Asians are nothing if not clever and shrewd, and as the rosy-cheeked toff sits on the fauteuils of power in the ritual, effete, cross-legged position taken by despots and would-be despots worldwide, you just know those Asians--behind their gracious smiles--despise him for his naive incompetence. And you know his gentleness has nothing to do with wisdom or vision, but only with the unquestioning confidence born of the moneyed class and a political party who still thinks it is born to rule.

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