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"Umeruhca"
by Jerzy Wiçiçiwiç

JERZY WIÇIÇIWIÇ's reply: "I am amazed at the thin skin of Harold Hark: he who hurls vile epithets at the Howard Government with reckless abandon, who personally insults anyone who disagrees with his stubborn, political mindset. This raging, fearless commentator is in reality a fragile wimp when the slightest criticism is aimed at his delicate ego. And when this happens, he retreats to lick his wounds with the comfort of an extra large bowl of pallid mashed potatoes slathered with Catsup."

HAROLD HARK'S reply: "Catsup? That's tomato sauce, Yankee dog! But what would an UmErUhcan know? The greatest empire in the world and what does it consume on a regular, nauseating basis? Mashed Potatoes! We civilised folk, on the other hand, enjoy the finest cuisine known to mankind. Furthermore, it doesn't bother me at all when the butcher, the baker and the candlestick maker routinely call me an arsehole because I regularly attack their traitorous allegiance to the foul John Howard!"

U.S. ATTORNEY JANET RENO AND HER JUSTICE (?) DEPARTMENT

Janet Reno won a big victory this week with the U.S. Court judgment that Elian Gonzalez belongs with his father and should return to Cuba. Attorney Reno expressed her pleasure at this decision. Elaine's family (mother's side) has appealed to the Supreme Court but it looks as if little Elian and Father and Cuban teachers and Cuban escorts will be returning within the next two weeks. The last time Ms. Reno expressed concern for a child was at Waco, Texas. When the Justice Dept. made their move on Waco, all men women and children were burned alive by a disastrously botched effort.

Janet Reno fails to realise that in Cuba, children are considered a property of the state. Castro has already announced that poor little Elian will have to attend a special school to help him forget the pleasures and loving family atmosphere he experienced during his time in the United States. Castro failed to mention how long Elian will attend this "debriefing" school away from his father. Or that at 12 or 13 he will join thousands of other happy Cuban young men in the sunny Sugar cane fields. I am sure as Elian matures he will come to appreciate Reno's concern for his welfare. President Clinton is silent.

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FBI MEMO CASTS SUSPICION OVER GORE

In a memo kept secret for 2 years, FBI director Louis Freeh warned that the Justice Department, headed by Janet Reno, was ignoring reliable evidence that conflicted with Al Gore's accounts of his fund-raising activities.

Freeh urged appointment of an independent counsel to investigate Democratic fund-raising in the November 1997 memo to Atty. Gen. Janet Reno. Freeh argued that a top down investigation starting with Bill Clinton should replace the Justice Department's preoccupation with bit players.

This secret memo preceded one by Charles LaBella, chief prosecutor in the case, who accused his Justice Department of contorting their investigation to avoid triggering the appointment of an independent counsel.

Reno's only response from the Justice Department: "The FBI's allegations were flawed."

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U.S. IMMIGRATION & NATURALISATION SERVICE SAYS IT ISN'T SO!

Speaking of Elian Gonzalez, the USINS says the taking of Elian from his mother's family home in Miami was a smooth well conducted operation with no problems, no guns pointed, no one hurt or even threatened. An NBC newsman and cameraman say otherwise. In their own words, "Are these people coming from another planet (USINS)! Blood was spilled! I was shoved into a chair and my cameraman was hit with the butt of a rifle! Stitches and hospitalisation was required. Are they trying to rewrite history?"

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CLINTON'S BIMBOS ARE TARGETED BY IRA

It is strange that all three of the women who came forward to accuse Slick Willie of sexual harassment or, in the case of Jaunita Broderick, rape, have had their taxes audited recently. Of course, is next to impossible to prove that the President was involved, but what are the odds? Fox News Commentator, Bill O'Reilly, who has not been kind to the Clinton administration, has had his taxes audited for the last three consecutive years. Would Clinton stoop so low as to use the Internal Revenue Agency against his political enemies? Difficult to prove but interesting to speculate.

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ELECTION CAMPAIGNING PUTTING AMERICA TO SLEEP

I sincerely wish that I could report something exciting in the way of our two infamous campaigns: Gore vs Bush and Hillary vs Lazio but all has been polite promises, typical barnstorming, kissing babies, shaking hands with the po' folk, etc. All running about dead even in the polls, it looks like candidates are afraid to upset anyone. Hillary did address the U.N. but as the first lady. Nevertheless it gave her great exposure. Ricky "the kid" Lazio had better go on the attack soon or he will be outgunned. Gore was exposed as a slumlord when some lady renting an unlivable apartment owned by him went to the media about the lack of response to get the place fixed. Gore personally intervened, blamed the terrible conditions on the management company and promptly started necessary repairs, placed the lady and family in a hotel while the apartment was under construction and even invited her to dinner at his house with wife Tipper. How's that for a nice guy. I'm sure his fast and compassionate action had nothing to do with the election or bad press! Snore. . . .

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CLINTON GOES TO EUROPE

President Clinton toured Europe this past week and received many medals and accolades from European dignitaries. He even became the first President to address Russia's Duma. The fact that most Duma members didn't bother to attend and many of the Duma who sat through his address screamed "this is the guy who ruined Russia!" made little impression on the President, who felt this was the beginning of a new era for Europe and Russia. We should all write that down. My sources in Europe tell me that the crowds viewing Clinton were snickering about Monica and Cigars. Looks like his legacy is set in stone!

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