| Australia's Journal of Political Character Assassination | Melbourne, Australia |
SCUM AT THE TOP | Next Issue: 31 Mar 2001 |
| Editor: Harold Hark | Volume 5 Number 4 |
Frank Lloyd Wright |
Bluebird Shits on Howard as it Flies over White-Knuckled Cliffs of Ryan Well, it's Sunday afternoon and we still don't know who won Ryan. HH was poised last night with a pipe full of the finest English tobacco and a fresh bottle of vintage port to celebrate a Labor victory. He had a cute little ditty to lead off this article: Ryan, Ryan, Alas, vote counters in the Queensland seat went home at 10 PM, leaving us with no clear result. After a trouble-free night's sleep they are counting the 9500 postal votes as we type. Whatever the result--as various members of the Liberal Party crow over the reduced swing against them--John Howard needs to remember that these were true blue Liberals who turned against him. The rest of the country is poised to annihilate the bastard. Ryan is the Queensland equivalent of Kooyong in Victoria. Only a madman would predict that the fine specimens inhabiting Victorian Melways Map 58 and environs would ever desert the party of big money. Yet it has happened in the Deep North. Win or lose, the True Deceivers have exerted a devastating vote of no confidence in the unsound mismanagement of John Howard's treasonous five years. Desperate measures were taken to affect the outcome of the election when Liberal sniffer dogs alerted the AEC to a technical infraction on some "how to vote cards". Four candidates certain to give preferences to Labor were found to have breached regulations by omitting the name and address of their printers on the cards in question. Hardly an indictable offence, but one in keeping with a party of ferret-like barristers and solicitors looking for any way to swing things their way. It is not yet known whether this will have significantly affected the outcome. One of the more nauseating aspects of the last days leading up to the vote, was John Howard's deceitful rendering of Kim Beazley's concerns over the economy as "salivating over the prospect of a recession." That and the squidgereen's letter to all 85,000 Ryanites, appealing to their medieval fear of the Labor hordes, seems to have sucked dry what little courage many of the protesters had. Peter Beattie has called for an early election to "reignite the economy". However, as Lib federal director Lynton Crosby has assured us that Ryan will not translate to the federal election, that is unlikely. Another unnamed Liberal insider was quoted as saying, "Labor thought they were going to get a big swing and they didn't." So there! These are the people running our country, folks. Aren't you glad you're not grasping, cunning little trolls like them? The Democrats lost out big time to the Greens. Meg Lees, another blinkered pollie, looks certain now to lose Democrat leadership to Natasha Stott-Despoja. Once the handful of members finally get around to sending in their ballots, that is. So now we agonise--not over the outcome at Ryan--but over the fiddling of Nero Howard as Australia continues to go down the gurgler. John Howard's mythical "political antenna," or his ability to read the electorate, has amounted to little more than a case of lucky mediocrity with enough staying power to get the odd run on the board. As his shabby hold on the Liberal party draws to a close, it is worth noting that he himself introduced the era of economic rationalism to Australia. That Paul Keating got to take the baton in 1983 must have hurt him deeply. But that hurt will pale beside the place history will accord this nastiest of Prime Ministers. And the irony will be that he will have been largely to blame for the disintegration of the party founded by his political idol, Sir Robert Menzies. As India tragically ends Australia's winning streak at 16, suicidal Aussies can take heart because John Howard is right there with them in his concern for this vastly important event. "I am desperately upset," he told a talkback caller, "can you tell me what I can do?" As Australia turns into the Banana Republic that John Howard's allegiance to economic rationalism always promised it would, once proud Aussies should feel relaxed and comfortable because life in Afghanistan is worse. As the dollar sinks below the 50¢ horizon, once proud Aussies should feel relaxed and comfortable in the knowledge that only the Turkish Lira is worse. As consumer confidence falls by the biggest margin ever, once proud Aussies should feel relaxed and comfortable because John Howard says he understands but not to worry. As talk of a recession replaces consumer confidence, once proud Aussies should feel relaxed and comfortable because John Howard is blaming the whole thing on the media. As yet another flood devastates crops in the deep north, Aussies should feel relaxed and comfortable because the price of cabbage--$8 a head in Sydney--means they won't have to eat it any more. As Cane toads start their invasion of Kakadu, Aussies can feel relaxed and comfortable in the fact that the ugly beasties won't affect government go aheads for uranium mining. As foot and mouth threatens to turn our butchers into fish mongers and our livestock farmers into dole bludgers, Aussies can look forward to a new lifestyle as vegetarians. As fireblight from New Zealand and the above mentioned floods threaten our apples and vegetables, Aussies can look forward to a new lifestyle of gathering and eating nuts. As the stinging wild ants from hell threaten just about everything, Aussies should feel relaxed and comfortable because Mir will probably wipe them out. JohnnyWrap: New! from the Food Safety Board "In the face of the outbreak of foot and mouth disease in the United Kingdom," spake John Highfield of The World Today (6 March 2001), "you might assume governments around the world would, if anything, be strengthening their methods for regulating food safety. "But, according to a former member of the National Food Standards Committee, exactly the opposite is happening in Australia. "In the last few weeks the Howard Government has quietly restructured our Food Safety Board to increase the influence of business. The nine-member board has been enlarged to ten members, half of whom now represent business and trade rather than health and safety interests. "This change to the Food Safety Authority follows criticism by the Howard Government that the old board made decisions that imposed an unreasonable cost burden on industry. The government is now being warned that its changes will put Australian consumers at risk." Well the food industry will just love this. As Des Siberra says later in the segment, "See, what most people in the food industry do is they assess the chance of getting caught. And if think there's not much chance of getting caught, well they'll do it." We hate to harp, but business in all its aspects will do what it can to get away with as much as it can for as long as it can. Self-regulation--"no worries, we'll clean up our own act!"--has to be the saddest joke in history. Just like the refurbished and business-oriented board at the PBAC, which will insure that pharmaceutical companies get the last word on how much to charge we coughing, hacking slugs out here in servant-land, the quality and safety of the foods we eat, from canned to slaughtered, will be sent right back to business's favourite century, the 19th. Only when enough of us have died from business-enhanced plagues, will their profit margins suffer enough to reinstate current laws. In other words, the Howard Government strikes again. Frau Pauline Meets Herr Frederick You'll recall that in the last issue we remarked on the Martin Bryant conspiracy theory published in One Nation's Update mag, from which Pauline Hanson later distanced herself. Now she has welcomed one of HH's contenders for Australia's most evil people, Dr Frederick Toben, the Adelaide based holocaust denier. Wanted in Germany for inciting racial hatred, he heads the right wing Adelaide Institute. A photo of Pauline and Herr Toben in The Australian (9-3-01) shows her grinning at the little man with an expression akin to a come-on. Of course she didn't actually invite Toben to her speech at the South Australian Press Club, he just showed up. But after he "shouted, cheered and clapped during her 45-minute speech," she invited him to "please stand up and please explain." Herr Toben was no doubt thankful for the chance to expound his ideas to such an august audience. Which he did at length, until he was asked by press club staff to relinquish the microphone. Using coy tactics that have become her trademark for simultaneously accepting the claims of racists and other nutters while denying support for them, she said, "I don't know him. I don't know what he stands for ... Because a person turns up doesn't mean that I support them." (Based on the report by Carol Altmann, The Age 9-3-01.) Kennett Defends Buggery School Bully Jeff Kennett enhanced the bullying future of at least one of four Scotch College boys found guilty of bashing up the hosts of an 18th birthday party in Ashburton, Victoria last year, by giving him good character references--through the boy's lawyers, of course. The attack was just an attempt to settle an old score with students from crosstown rival buggery school, Camberwell High, is all it was. Who knows what the "score" constituted. Perhaps it was over a demeaning insult to one of the boy's cheaper model Merc's, or the fact that an item of his clothing might not have been purchased from an authorised buggery school outlet. At any rate, when it was determined the students in question were not actually at the party, the Four Bullies decided to raise hell anyway. In so doing, one of them sported a home-made, swastika-inscribed club and proceeded to bash the host's father and older brother, while hurling "vile and abusive language" at the host's mother. Well, a privileged young fogey can't start a rumble and be expected to simply go home when the object of his erection isn't there, now can he? Jeffrey Gibb Kennett, who, like Bill Clinton, just won't go away, knows that a bully's good name is worth a lot to the Liberal Party. Unlike the riffraff who inhabit the Labor Party, Young Liberals must be guided wisely. They must understand that Labor Party tactics--using cudgels, knuckle dusters and the like--are not meant for them. Especially if they get caught. You can't make a fortune using taxpayer's dollars if you go around beating people up. You have to be smart and beat them up with insults and legislation. The magistrate heeded Kennett's philosophy and sentenced the boys to 200 hours unpaid community work. Each was further ordered to pay $2000 compensation to the party host's father. The moral of this story: If you are a responsible parent who cares for the moral foundations of your child, do not send them to Buggery School. Unless the idea of your child being buggered as a prerequisite to power and wealth turns you on. Most sufferers of child abuse tend to repeat the offence on their own children. Unless they happen to be Australian Liberals, who just like to watch. Elite Breeders School Sues Penniless Widow One of Australia's wealthiest schools for hard-faced-bitches and ruling class breeders, Methodist Ladies College, has turned a cold shoulder to a recently widowed mother of six whose husband died shortly after his business collapsed, leaving her penniless. Even though "I have had numerous phone calls from high-profile Melbourne families who have said we would like this family to be treated differently ... I can't do that," said school principal and management icon, Rosa Storelli. In other words: Business is business. And even though the family in question has sunk up to $100,000 in the school to educate their girls, the outstanding debt of $9400 vill be paid or else! Not a pretty story, but one in keeping with protestant rigidity and adherence to the worship of the almighty dollar. I'm no fan of either branch of Christianity, but Catholic schools routinely waive fees for families in financial distress. Not because they are financed by the Vatican, but because, in addition to preparing students for the small minded business world, they make some effort to alert them to the unfashionable concept of compassion. Here it may be instructive to note that our heartless Prime Minister is himself a Methodist. But them's the breaks in the dog eat dog world embraced by the parents of children attending elite, Liberals-in-power backed schools. David Kemp's generous taxpayer funded handout to these institutions (which educate 30% of Australian students with 70% of funding) might have given them leeway to put these fees on hold until the poor woman can find a way to pay. But Faustian perks only hold if you abide by the Faustian contract. Fall out of line and you're out in the cold, goodbye, never knew you. These "high-profile Melbourne families" the manager/principal spoke of could organise to help pay the fees and save the widow's daughter from a lifetime of humiliation. To drop out of one of these schools owing to stupidity or drugs is one thing, but lack of finances constitutes a terminal fall from grace. They could also do it out of guilt for having backed a government whose GST could possibly be the reason the family business went belly up in the first place. But let's face it, they didn't get where they are from succumbing to the above mentioned quaintly socialist idea of compassion. Good on them, nevertheless, for finding the time to voice their disgust at the school's meanness. SA Larvals Scuttle Under Rock of Censorship Proving that any police force is only as democratic as the government that pays its wages, the South Australian coppers recently raided a book shop in Adelaide and confiscated all copies of Pictures, a two decade old book by gay photographer Robert Mapplethorpe. A bit of slow witted provincialism? The only remaining Liberal government in Oz, aside from Howard and the slopeheads from the Northern Territory, is about to pass the SA Classification Amendment Bill, meant to complement Little Johnny's Broadcasting Services Act of last January. Where the latter penalised service providers, the SA bill will penalise content providers and internet users. It will require police to act if the Web site is deemed to portray material unsuitable for minors. Thus, if some pinch-faced mental gnome, who wants us all to reduce our experience to that of children, decides a web site is worthy of complaint, well, then, the police will be obliged (happily, we suspect) to knock on the offender's front door. Said offender will be arrested without being able first to take the site down. Web sites with dicey content simply moved offshore to counteract the Federal bill, but in South Australia this will not help. Irene Graham of Electronic Frontiers Australia says, "I think this bill has the potential to be used to victimise people. [It] could also be used when somebody is upsetting the government." Heh-heh. According to Brenda Aynsley, an Adelaide internet consultant, individuals are unable to have their material classified by the Office of Film and Literature Classification (OFLC), so they will have no method of deciding whether their content is acceptable before posting it. "The stupidity is that you or I cannot rock up to the OFLC, pay our money and get a classification. We're never going to know in advance, other than the bloody obvious, whether what we put up on the web is going to attract attention. To me that's entrapment." Melbourne Internet censorship researcher Dr Peter Chen says, "Essentially, the federal legislation was a bit of a kludge, which let the industry off the hook and didn't require it to do much at all. The states have picked up the undesirable task of having to prosecute people who put restricted content online. "The content host will have to second-guess how the OFLC would classify the material, and since the office is politicised, that can vary depending on who's in power. This is a purely political law. There's no regulatory sense behind it at all." Irene Graham says it appears a person hosting content in NSW that offends someone in SA could be held criminally liable for an offence in SA. "How the states are going to prosecute that is a good question, but it seems that if a content provider from NSW subsequently visits Adelaide they could be arrested at the airport." The Liberal Party: Mean one day, medieval the next. (Based on the report by Karen Dearne, The Australian IT, 27-Feb 01). Ed. Note: Mal Hyde, Commissioner of the South Australia Police Force, was one of three Liberals who wrote letters to The Australian IT (6 Mar 01) complaining of Dearne's two articles about the book store invasion and the net censorship bill. He chose to enlighten readers on some of the graphic photos in Mapplethorpe's book, hoping, I suppose, to sway us to his view of the world. Admittedly, the idea of "a man urinating into another man's mouth, a man defecating into another man's mouth, and the photograph of fists penetrating an anus" is not exactly enthusiasm-provoking, but it is safe to say that these "deviants" never proposed legislation to take away dental subsidies for the elderly poor, either. In the face of eternity, which is the greater evil to the well-being of society? Defamation Revisited: Litigant a Thief Last issue, we led off with an article on defamation, Defamation: Plutocrats Silencing Dissent. We quoted from an article in The Age by Brian Walters, in which he sited the case of Barwan Water chairman Frank De Stefano successfully suing the Bannockburn Yellow Gum Action Group for $10,000 over their bumper sticker, "Barwon Water-Frankly Foul." He effectively caused the group to disband. Well, De Stefano, a former Geelong mayor, pleaded guilty on Friday 10 March to the theft of more than $8 million from investors between 1995 and 2000. It is alleged he stole the money to gamble at Crown Casino. He resigned as chairman of Barwon Water in April last year. And there you have it. Sounds medieval, doesn't it? Year after century after millennium, businessmen like Frank De Stefano keep stealing our money and using it to shut us up. Kennett's Frankenstein to Sue Victoria Thanks to the sound economic management of the former Kennett government, Victorians face having to foot the bill when Transurban City Link sues the current Bracks government over loss of revenue on Bolte Bridge tolls because motorists are instead using Wurundjeri Way, a "major four-lane highway" built by the Kennett government for access to Colonial Stadium. (Long sentence? It wasn't easy.) Written into all contracts with Transurban is the proviso that no existing roads be used in any way to divert cash paying customers from using its toll roads. So Kennett, beholden as well to the Colonial Consortium, went ahead and built a new road. Turns out that was a no-no as well. Transurban claims it is losing $20,000 a day because of the "Bolte bypass". On top of revenue losses from the Kennett Tunnel, built on the cheap by Transfield Obayashi Joint Venture, Transurban is looking for blood--ours--to feed it's ever howling shareholders. In a separate report, Sushi Das (The Age 6-3-01) reports: "City Link's owner said yesterday its tolling computer was incapable of calculating discounts to compensate customers for times when the tollway was not fully operational. Transurban ... never expected it might need to offer discounted tolls for a less-than-perfect system. His comments followed a seven-day closure of the Burnley tunnel last month because of leaks." Further, it has been shown that the water leaking into the Kennett Tunnel is valuable drinking water. Just proves you can't expect business savvy from businessmen just because they are playing with billions of our dollars. Bernie's Big Earner Kills Again Thomas Pynchon, "Mason and Dixon" Last September it was a marshal at Monza in Italy who carked it. Now the Australian Grand Prix has lost it's cherry, claiming its first fatality and the life of another marshal. Patrick Smith, in The Australian newspaper: "It was a freak accident, but it is a freakish sport. Villeneuve was attempting to slip past Ralf Schumacher on turn three on his fifth lap when Villeneuve said the Williams driver braked and left him with nowhere to go. The car climbed the back tyre of Schumacher's car and flew 20 metres in the air, hit the retaining wall and slid for 150m, bits and pieces hurtling off all the time. Your heart pounded for Villeneuve. You never gave a thought that someone else would not survive the collision." Villeneuve walked away from the crash, but the marshal was hit full on by a hurtling tyre from the car. After the accident, commentators on Kerry Packer's Nine Network said no more about the fate of the marshal. Not even during the subdued presentation ceremony (for once free from the philistine waste of good champagne, a kind of substitute for winners to pull out their willies and masturbate in front of adoring voyeurs). Schumacher, the victor, was questioned afterwards about the race, but not about the accident. To his credit he brought up the subject his interviewers were (obviously) instructed to bypass. Grand Prix chairman Ron Walker afterward mentioned the attendance figures ahead of regrets about the accident. These races have a history of killing and maiming. The deaths of drivers, pit crews and spectators are part of the spectacle. Indeed, many of the pounding hearts Smith spoke of were probably hoping Villeneuve would cark it, so they could tell their friends, "I was at the Grand Prix when ..." That a lowly marshal copped it is hardly worth a memorable story. So what are the reasons people attend Grand Prix? The big end of town gets feted royally at taxpayer's expense, but they constitute a small (though growing) percentage of the 380,000 souls who watch those weird looking cars make their irritating, jerky little moves as they jockey for position in what must simply be an excuse for a four day piss-up. A very large part of Melbourne's population will never forgive Jeff Kennett for turning Albert Park into a screaming death wish. Where once harmless cricket matches and Sunday family walks took place, we now have a yearly festival dedicated to the world's most boring killer sport. And what an irony is contained in that statement. You have to endure being bored out of your suds-addled brain before a moment of medieval excitement is (rarely, thank God) achieved. Pathetic. Ron Walker, AO, CBE (wow!), is the last remaining member of the Three Scrooges (along with former sound economic manager and Liberal Premier Jeff Kennett and Casino operator Lloyd Williams), but he still wields considerable power. People are afraid to cross him. Walker, as partner to Bernie Ecclestone, Grand Prix supremo and the man who has single-handedly bilked taxpayers the world over, appears to be glossing over this mishap. Before hanging up on the intrepid John Faine, Ron was at pains to say there is considerable risk in all sports, that accidents happen. Later, he admitted that Formula One racing is an "enter at your own risk" sport. So there isn't "considerable risk in all sports", just the one filling his wallet. We don't find "enter at your own risk" printed over entrance ways for tennis, rugby, cricket or footy, although it must be admitted that soccer and it's frustrating blockage of pent-up emotions has proved to be far more deadly than Formula One. A reasonable chunk of Ron's income depends on good PR for this event, and he therefore played down the possibility of increasing security. "If you want us to build a concrete wall around the track, we won't have any spectators." Well, Ron, since you put it that way ... Subsequent investigations have proven the safety barrier systems to be inadequate. The life of the affable bloke from Queensland could have been saved, after all. But that would have been at the expense of a paltry percent of profit to Bernie and Ron. Not good business. The last word must go to the man who can so dryly and wryly express outraged idealism, Terry Lane: "The taxpayers of Victoria pay for all the capital works on the track, for the erection and removal of all the trackside paraphernalia, for the safety personnel, advertising, road closures and police and, on top of that, pay a licence fee to Bernie of $18 million and growing. "In fact, we do know that the Grand Prix operation makes a loss. Without seeing the balance sheet, we can deduce a loss from one simple fact--if it were making a profit, it would have been privatised." Lane's article from The SundayAge Ronald Reagan, a man who qualifies for inclusion in my Evil People Stakes, just had an aircraft carrier named after him. Wife Nancy gripped the champagne bottle in both gloved hands to christen the poor ship, striking it so hard she splattered champers all over herself and co-christener Dubbya Deux. Seems there is a Ronald Reagan Legacy Project afoot, headed by Grover Norquist of Americans for Tax Reform (i.e., none. Result: Every man for himself, forget the women and children). The goal? To get a significant landmark named after Reagan in all 50 states and 3000 counties, and in each formerly communist country. We've used this phrase before, but ain't that just enough to gag a maggot? Margo Kingston: National Living Treasure It was cheering to tune into Lateline and hear that "voice of the people", Margo Kingston, blowing dour, lifeless Michael Duffy out of the water over the resurrected debate (brought on by Andrew Bolt's notorious Murdoch Press column) about "the Stolen Generation". Margo wished the emotionally deprived nit pickers would just shut up and allow the apology and the truth of the whole sorry mess to be wrapped up with dignity and humanity. Duffy, sitting there in true conservative, Liberal Party style, that is, as rigid as a protestant parson, said something to the effect that "truth should never be subservient to emotions." Glib but about as clarifying as mud. Is he confusing truth with facts? Fact: Not all Aboriginal children were taken against the will of their families. Truth: Most were. The heartless response: Let's forget about it. The Emotional Response: Put yourselves in their shoes and make amends. Be sure to read Canberra Inside Out, Margo's online Web Diary at the SMH. |
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